The role of foreplay in achieving better orgasms
Foreplay is often an underappreciated part of sex. Many people are so focused on hitting the road that they don't often think about pumping gas, turning the key, and revving the engine. But foreplay is an incredibly important part of any intimate encounter and could be the key to pleasure for many people.
What's the problem?
Most sex scenes in TV shows and movies feature women easily reaching orgasm (and doing so multiple times). One minute, everyone is fully clothed. Three minutes later, the women—straight and queer alike—are moaning and often close to, or already reaching, the peak of sexual pleasure. These sex scenes make it seem like arousal is quick and spontaneous, and that orgasms don't take long to arrive. Between this often unrealistic portrayal of sexual arousal in cis women and the widespread belief that cis women find it difficult to orgasm, it's no wonder there's a serious orgasm gap !
Too many women tell me they have difficulty achieving orgasm or that sex is pleasurable without orgasm, as it can be difficult to achieve and therefore shouldn't be expected. I believe pleasure is possible without orgasm, and no one should feel pressured to have it. It seems that the myth about how little it takes to become aroused and a misunderstanding about what it takes to help people reach their potential for pleasure are creating excuses for continuing the infamous orgasm gap. It's one thing if you don't orgasm because you're tired or your body stalls despite very intense sensations, and it's quite another if you're not experiencing enough arousal to fully enjoy the encounter. This is where foreplay comes in.
What can I do?
For some people, experiencing oral, manual, or penetrative sex can arouse the body enough to feel pleasure. For other people, unless they are mentally aroused, physical acts will not be pleasurable at all. In fact, even for people who experience pleasure solely from acts, orgasms may be less intense or less pleasurable if they are not mentally aroused.
This means it's important to take the time to reach a state of arousal. This is different for everyone. You may want to engage in prolonged make-out sessions, nude and oiled body massages, watch or read erotic material, role-play, engage in dirty talk, send and receive erotic texts during the day, dress in something that makes you feel sexy, and receive compliments. Do whatever makes you feel aroused.
For me, depending on hormones, mood, etc., it can take anywhere from 5 seconds to probably 30 minutes to feel physically and mentally aroused. This means that, when it's not immediate, I need to feel safe and comfortable enough with my partner to ask for what I need to reach that state of arousal. I don't like to start touching myself sexually until my body is eager for sex. Almost always, when I start sex with only a slight body buzz or no buzz at all, rather than an intense, arousing vibration, it takes me longer to actually enjoy the stimulation. It's also harder to orgasm, and I'm more likely to get frustrated.
You are worth it
If you feel like this sounds like too much pre-sex contact, consider why you're having sex, whether you're enjoying it as much as you'd like, and whether feeling truly aroused will help reduce the work of trying to achieve orgasm. Then, you can relax and enjoy your body's reactions to the heightened sensations.
If you're unsure how to talk to your partner about changing things up to make the experience better, try starting the conversation when you're not having sex so it doesn't seem rushed or high-risk. Let your partner know how much you enjoy your lovemaking, but that you'd enjoy it more with longer foreplay and mental arousal. You could say, "Why don't we spend ____ time doing ____ (kissing all over each other, making out, reading erotica), and I'll let you know when my body feels ready or what else I might need to feel sexier/hornier?" Talk about what turns you on most and how to incorporate it more often. If you don't already use them, look into toys that can intensify your experiences.
When you've realized that your pleasure is worth the time and care, take it to the next level. Don't rush the ending once you're aroused. Prolong the pleasure and anticipation through foreplay, teasing, and sensory play. For specific examples with descriptions, see 7 Steps to Reach the Next Level of Physical Intimacy . Remember, it's not a sprint. Good things take time, and you're worth it.
Credits; and R. Rosenstock González