It's a bad habit. I know, but I do it. But I do it anyway. I get angry over something insignificant my partner has done. I let that frustration take over until it turns into anger. And then, despite knowing I shouldn't, I text him.
As a professional writer, I put a lot of effort into my text missives. I'm one of those rare types who writes complete sentences with correct spelling, grammar, and punctuation. I'm very careful with what I write and read everything several times before hitting the send button. I agonize over my writing, so you'd be forgiven for thinking I'm working on the next Great American Novel.
So when my partner responds with something like "K," I lose my cool.
SMH.
Fexting.
There are many ways for it to go wrong.
What is fexting?
Fexting refers to arguments via text messages or other chat apps. In an era of increasing mobile phone use—and especially with the forced isolation brought on by the COVID-19 pandemic (mobile instant messaging)—the use of increased by 45% During the pandemic, texting has become much more common.
Of course, not all of those text conversations are rainbows and sunshine, or even a simple request to pick up some vitamins on the way home.
Unfortunately, texting isn't the most effective form of communication when it comes to complex conversations.
But is fexting inherently bad?
According to social psychologist Sara Nasserzadeh, it depends. Although she herself tends to avoid communicating about sensitive topics via text messages, she acknowledges that fexting can have its advantages depending on each person's thinking style, conflict management style, and confrontation style.
Some people (coughcough, me) end up speechless when you put them in the spotlight. Their emotions spill over, and they lose their eloquence. "Even if they're very thoughtful," says Nasserzadeh, "they may need time to process, absorb, and reflect."
For those people, he says, it can work well. "But even then," he adds, "my first recommendation is to have that person-to-person interaction and then ask for time to think and process."
Why is fexting so easy to go wrong?
Aside from autocorrect's tendency to mess things up, the texts we send to each other are susceptible to misinterpretation.
Without the help of facial expressions and body language, and without the added layer of tone, our words can lack nuance. If you can't read the emotion behind what the other person is saying, it's easy to misinterpret the intent of their words.
Nasserzadeh also points out that when we argue face-to-face, we tend to share the same context—the same space and the same mindset. But when we argue over text messages, the context doesn't match. One person might be living their best moment, feeling cheerful and ready for anything. Another might be having the worst day of their life, their brain primed to get angry at whatever you say.
How can you communicate better?
If you insist on texting anyway, there are ways to make things better.
TAKE YOUR TIME.
"Take the time to read your partner's message carefully and reflect before responding," says Nasserzadeh.
When you argue, it's easy for things to escalate quickly, which can lead to one of you saying something you'll regret. This can happen whether you're on WhatsApp or talking in person.
The main advantage of fexting is that you can take things in stride. This can prevent anything unfortunate from slipping through the net.
So, when you receive that text from your partner, take a deep breath and examine yourself. Ask yourself how you feel about the message they just sent you. And if their message is something that can be interpreted in multiple ways. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt. You're both trying to resolve a problem. Assume they have good intentions.
CAREFULLY CONSIDER HIS WORDS.
"When you respond," says Nasserzadeh, "read your own text aloud to see how it sounds to the other person." Once again, you're missing the nuances conveyed by tone, facial expressions, and body language. How might your interlocutor interpret your message? Is there any way to increase the likelihood that they'll understand what you mean?
FOLLOW THE USUAL RULES OF GOOD COMMUNICATION.
Whether you speak or write, there are some basic rules you should follow. Always . Avoid using harsh or demeaning language. Try using "I statements" ("I feel ___ when ___ because ___. What I need is ___.") instead of accusatory language. Focus on the issue at hand.
USE PUNCTUATION MARKS TO INJECT MORE EMOTION.
"Thank God there are emojis," says Nasserzadeh. She points out that they allow us to soften what we say, lighten the mood, or inject other emotions that clarify what we mean.
From my own experience, a simple wink can go a long way toward keeping calm. God knows I've used it often.
Other punctuation marks can also help in this regard. An exclamation point can make something sound more lively, while a message that ends with a period or no punctuation mark at all can seem flat.
DON'T BE A GHOST.
If you have to step away from the conversation for any reason—for example, because of an interruption in IRL or even because you need more time to calm down or process what the other person said—say something . Don't just disappear. Sudden silence can be interpreted in many ways, and none of them are good. Show your partner respect by letting them know of your impending silence.
IF YOU CAN, DISCONNECT FROM THE CONVERSATION.
Believe me. I know the allure of fexting. I've always been better in writing, and face-to-face confrontation terrifies me.
But with so many possibilities for misunderstandings when they fuse, it's probably best to get your argument off WhatsApp as soon as possible.